Shame

When I was at the county jail Friday night one of the topics that we discussed (when the Holy Spirit took over the conversation) was shame.
The woman I spoke about in my previous post is from a small town and she told me how ashamed she was to be seen by people that knew her from her youth. Her high school sweatheart is a guard at the jail, men that knew her as a child who have since become a trick, the people who have tried to help her, the family who she has disappointed over and over. All the women agreed that the shame they feel is deep and crippling. One of the women there said she feels so much shame that she does not allow herself to feel any self worth.

Shame creeps into my head at times as well. I never thought I would be speaking and writing about my addiction and time in prison as freely as I do. Some would think that I would want to put that time behind me and never bring it up. I have had times, and still do, where I am in a situation where I would not want people to know about my past for fear that they will judge me. I believe it is a struggle we all have to a certain degree. As a result of Adam and Eve’s sin in the Garden, we are cursed with a natural tendency to sin and shame.

I shared with the ladies at the jail about Gilgal (the word Gilgal means circle), the place where the Isrealites came full circle in their cycle of defeat after being slaves in Egypt and 40 years of wandering in the desert.
Joshua 5: 9 Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you." So the place has been called Gilgal [b] to this day.

The day after I returned to Nappanee after serving my time in prison I attended a bible study with my Aunt Jeanie, they were already in the middle of the Beth Moore study, “Believing God”. By God’s perfect timing the lesson that day was about Gilgal.
God spoke to my heart so clearly.

Now that I had come full circle, back to the town I was arrested in, God wanted to roll away my reproach (my shame, my disgrace, my fear of finger pointing, the ex-con stigma).
Gigal was the place where circumcision was reinstated, circumcision being a sign that they were different.
Joshua 5:7 So he raised up their sons in their place, and these were the ones Joshua circumcised. They were still uncircumcised because they had not been circumcised on the way. 8 And after the whole nation had been circumcised, they remained where they were in camp until they were healed.
Beth said this about circumcision, “ At Gilgal God cut away the sign of their unbelief, and they wore the mark of their new beginning. Often a wounding precedes our full reception of God’s promises, but healing always follows. Joshua 5:8 “Healed” translated from the word hayah meaning ‘to live, exist, enjoy life, to live anew, recover, be well,… to…. refresh, rebuild.’ Paradoxically, by this wounding they were healed.”

I pray that the ladies in the jail will come to know that the penalty Jesus paid on Calvary assures of this; shame does not have to define us or bind us. I choose to wear Jesus’ garment of salvation instead of my cloak of shame.